Tuesday, February 4, 2014

updates version of treasure x

Brian Robinson

authors notes:
i want the people to get entertainment out of the story
i thought the plot is pretty solid
i couldn't really get the setting set in stone
i want the reader to ask any question he wants
Treasure X

The sun was up and the snow was falling syrus our 14 year old protagonist is sitting in his boat in his hometown of snowtopia just one continent in the vast world of skypiea. The world is ruled by pirates. This era started 50 years ago when the greatest pirate Joll E. Roger stated before he died “if you want my treasure take it but i have given keys to my closest friend and crew, have fun” then the blades dropped. Back to the characters. snowtopia is a regular village it is a small village with a small population of 150. there is one family where our main character syrus was adopted into they are the Kidd family.

As kid was sitting at his house with no one home and then his parents came home “hey syrus how is it going’ syrus “ did you hear that there are pirates invading summerville” they said “wow thats really close to here. Wait did you hear that it sounded like gunfire” father “ Syrus look out!’ as he said that a cannonball collided with the ground only 20 feet away knocking everyone to the ground as they were getting up syrus saw a ship in the horizon it had the flag of a band of pirates called the flamingos guild. his look upon in horror to find they were invading his village. suddenly he look around to gather what was around him he saw his parents and they were on the ground he got up to help[ them  but his legs won't move “MOM, DAD oh god can you hear me?” just then he conjured up enough strength to gather wear he was going he pick himself up and he heard a gunshot he look down to find the crimson red river flowing from his body he look at his parents one last time and passed out.

He awoke in a ship he thought where am i. he asked out loud “ Where am i” and he got his answer “you got lucky kid the flamingo pirates have picked you up you're apart of our crew now” he said “ NO you killed my family and then shot me why would i join you” the pirate captain “ well kidd you don't have a choice we Can either kill you or let you join”  and syrus had a plan he said “ okay i will join but take me to the top deck first” the pirate captain said okay. after a short walk up the to the deck syrus jumps off the boat. in the cold ice water he swims until he can move and the just before he passed out he hit the land of an island. after he rested he woke up on a small island with trees  and lucky for him he was good with his hands and he make a very small boat that he took to sail out to sea and afew hundred feet out the boat sinks  Fantasy Ship 29 wallpapers


  1. 1.) There was no clear conflict in the story.
    2.) The protagonist did not really change over the course of the story.
    3.) My favorite part of the story was the opening. I found it funny how brian said syrus our protagonist.
    4.) The best quality of the story was that it was funny to read!
    5.) I think the story's theme was piraots taking over.
    6.) I think the story did not really make sense to me. Maybe you could add a little more to make the story make better sense!(:

  2. 1 conflict was syrus had his parents killed and he wants reveng
    2 the main character didnt change much
    3 the feel and the setting i like pirates
    4 the mental imagery
    5 love it while you have it
    6 Add more and explain more

  3. Hi Brian! I think that one of your tale's strongest aspects is your voice. Your unique story telling style flows throughout the whole piece and makes it fun and interesting to read.

    I think that you have a really intriguing concept here. Pirates and revenge are great idea to wrap your story around. As you continue to draft, there are a few things you could consider.

    First, as a reader I really want to know more about Syrus.Even though its a short story, you have a chance to create a well rounded and developed character. Think about a few of Syrus's strengths, weakness and motivations to fill out his personality.

    Secondly, I found myself a little jolted at the end of your story. Syrus has just lost his parents and escaped the pirates, landed on a small island and built a boat, and suddenly his boat sinks? It just felt very sudden to me. It's not Syrus's fate that bothered me; if that is what you have in mind for your story ending that is absolutely fine! I would just like to hear a little bit more about it.

    1. well its not done yet, but I will take into consideration the advice you gave me